Developer VS Project Manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend. I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be a programmer," says the balloonist. 
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" 
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." 
The man below says, "You must be a project manager" 
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Classic Irish Joke

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.
Mick says to Paddy, ' I can't be bothered to walk all dat way.'
'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last Bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while He keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take a No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout.

Read if you feel like laughing for 5 minutes

Natal is a province in South Africa, which apparently has the highest quota of Indians outside of India...

Natal curry contest.

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end.......

NOTE:
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is!

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
from America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from
all the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOOS BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOOS TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Extacts from Pet Diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe. For now....

Arm, Armder, Moer-arm

Nou ons was moer-arm. Agt kinders. Daai tyd was ek in Std 2 en moes ons van daai glas bottelkies Gom met die rooi proppie en rooi kwassie hê vir skool. 
 
My Ma het amper flou geval toe ek haar vra vir gom. "Waar dink hulle moet ons die geld vandaan kry?" 
 
Maar natuurlik - Boere maak 'n plan. En Ma was nie stupid nie. Sy kon tot gom maak. Ruk daar flour uit, gooi suiker by en kook die spul op die stoof. 
Ek staan eenkant, baie impressed met my slim Ma. 
 
Laat dit toe effens afkoel en sit dit in 'n ou NCR Yeast Blikkie wat so bietjie "verblyk" was. 
 
Ek was die enigste kind met 'n Yeast Blikkie op my tafel. Al die ander kinders het die regte bottelkies Gom gehad. Ek het nie baie omgegee nie, want my gom was baie beter as hulle sin en het geplak soos Superglue nie kan plak nie! 
 
So drie weke later, terwyl die biesies buite bewe van die hitte, sit ons klas in doodse stilte, besig met eksamen. 
 
Fokkit mense, een moerse ontploffing ruk die hele skool tot aandag. Daar trek my donnerse blikkie se deksel en hy agterna tot teenaan die sielieng. 
Dis net gom wat neerkom op ons soos 'n donnerstorm! Alles is wit. En dit stink ongelooflik - suurhol se moses! Ek't nog nooit iets in my hele lewe geruik wat so gestink het nie. 
 
Die Juffrou se brille is vol gom. Haar hare spierwit. Dit drup van haar af asof sy in 'n shower staan. Tot in haar kliewitch by haar tieties. Ek kon nie glo dat sy soos 'n beeld lyk nie. 
 
Oral waar ek kyk in die klas is almal faaktap van die gom. Almal is wit en gil van die skrik. Ons boeke is faaktap. Ons klere is faaktap. Ons stink faaktap. 
 
Juffrou wip toe haar gat en jaag ons almal uit en sê ons kan maar huis toe gaan. Van die kinders wat bus gery het se gom het goed drooggeword van al die gewag. 
 
Ek was woedend toe ek by die huis kom. My Ma het gedink dis 'n moerse grap en het haar dinges amper geskeur van die lag toe sy my sien EN ruik. 
 
Die klaskamer moes uitgeverf word om van die suurholreuk ontslae te raak, maar ons kon dit nog vir weke dwarsdeur daai PVA ruik. 
 
Ek was glad nie gewild nie. Niemand wou eers meer met my speel nie... 
Dis nou wat gebeur as jy Moer-arm is! 

The modern Princess

Definition of globalization is

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: 

1. An English princess 
   
2. with an Egyptian boyfriend 
   
3. crashes in a French tunnel, 
   
4. driving a German car 
   
5. with a Dutch engine, 
   
6. driven by a Belgian who was drunk 
   
7. on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) 
8. followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, 
   
9. on Japanese motorcycles; 
   
10. treated by an American doctor, 
    
11. using Brazilian medicines. 
    
12. This is sent to you by an African, 
    
13. using Bill Gates' - (an American)technology, 
    
14. and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, 
15. and a Korean monitor, 
    
16. assembled by Bangladeshi workers Publish Post
    
17. in a Singapore plant, 
    
18. transported by Indian lorry-drivers, 
    
19. hijacked by Indonesians, 
    
20. unloaded by Pakistani men, 
    
21. and trucked to you by Mexicans 
    
22. And now the above being emailed by a person sitting in South Africa
23. Posted on this blog by me, a South African sitting in London.
24. My brother is in Thailand
25. I've got a friend who just moved to Austalia
26. And my dad works for an American company in South Africa.

That, my friends, is Globalization!

Olympic Credit Crunch

This was emailed to me, if someone has an issue with me not having the rights to post it please email me and I'll remove it asap. If we can't laugh at the world today we'll all go crazy!

y

Yeah well, we invented, erm, something I can't think of right now!

Stunning Senior Moment


A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it
was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one', the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The
young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We
have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:
'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........ so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was amazing.......

A typical bloke

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a
holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman.
'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There,in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes ...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....



'Fu@@ing hell,don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

Magic Fridge - Best Add I've seen...like ever!!

Careful where you sit

THIS IS AN ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 -- >CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.

CASE DISMISSED!!"

Joke of the day

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young
lady, an old woman and a Frenchman. It all goes dark when the train
goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap,
and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his
face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.


The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman tried to kiss the young lady in the dark and
she slapped him"


The pretty young lady thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to kiss me in
the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"


The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman tried to kiss the young lady in the dark,
but the young lady thought it was me and hit me"


The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can
slap that Frenchman again"

When its okay to swear

I got these images on an email forwarded to me if someone has a issue with me having them up please let me know and I'll take them down.

I've got huge hands!!!

Don't laugh!' said the patient, Bob.

'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't
have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
his feet and regain his composure.
'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it
won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

The Doctor fainted

Typical

You've got to smile.

2 Cows and Politics

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

Regards,

Ross Thomson
User Support/Service Desk Analyst
Mobile: 07976 105 378
Email: rthomson@Aspective.com
http://www.aspective.com/

Woman = Problems

Definition of Robbery