Stunning Senior Moment
A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it
was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one', the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The
young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We
have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing...and more.'
After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:
'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........ so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'
The applause was amazing.......
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
A typical bloke
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a
holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman.
'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There,in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes ...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
'Fu@@ing hell,don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman.
'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There,in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes ...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
'Fu@@ing hell,don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
Friday, August 15, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Careful where you sit
THIS IS AN ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 -- >CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.
CASE DISMISSED!!"
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